Anyone who has walked with a person who is approaching the end of his or her life knows how difficult it can be to talk about the reality of death. We know that such talks are inevitably going to open us up to questions about our own life, about our own deep fears and our own longings. When a loved one discloses to us that they have a terminal illness, our anxiety about our own death can be an obstacle for us in being there for them as family, friend, and companion. Loneliness and meaninglessness --having no one to walk and talk with us as we ask questions about the ultimate meaning of our lives-- are fears that are finding expression in public discourse. Some of our discourse about death seems healthy, but some seems sick or just sad.
In Facing Death, Embracing Life Dr. David Kuhl provides more than just an informative look at how people approach death. An acknowledged expert in palliative care, he offers a resource for people who are facing a terminal illness --their own or someone else's. But he says the possibilities for making use of this resource go much further. He isn't the first to write about the healthiness of such an exploration, or about the way that this conversation can be the entry into a new appreciation of our lives. Books like A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis, Grace and Grit by Ken Wilber and Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom have been helping people to find the images and language to begin the discussion with friends and loved ones for a few years now. Kuhl's book is different.
I approached the book expecting to read about something. Instead, I found myself invited into a project, interaction, and exchange. I felt a bit disconcerted and maybe even a bit anxious. Reading about death and dying is one thing. Answering intimate questions about my own understanding of my death is something else. This challenge is Kuhl's gift to us. He facilitates, rather than preaches. After some evocative input, he takes a step back. In these spaces, readers consider serious questions about their own orientation towards death. Far from morbid or depressing, the book is an exciting invitation to explore facets of life that often go unnoticed and unexamined.
A glance at the last few years of television and film should convince us that we do want to address the topic of death. Shows like Six Feet Under, Dead Like Me and Crossing Over and movies like The Final Cut and Big Fish reveal that as community we often embrace talk about death --albeit through a safe narrative about someone else's life and death. In his book When Death Goes Pop Charles McIlwain says he thinks that we need to be given permission to speak about death. He proposes that the media present us with opportunities to enter into dialogue with one another, assuming that we can learn to use media properly. Fair enough. But in order to do that, we are going to need some "death education." Kuhl's questions and his framing of those questions is a valuable contribution towards this effort.
Facing Death, Embracing Life is an inventive offering. From the point of view of one who walks with the dying, Kuhl helps people to narrate the story of their own lives. What's new is that Kuhl uses his depth of experience in palliative care to arrange the book according to topics that are important to dying people. Often these questions seem too calm and practical. But that's the point. If the reader begins answering these questions, he will be seeking out his own perspective on questions that dying people are often forced to consider. People concerned about the recent challenges to laws against euthanasia and physician-assisted suicide take note: The dignity of helping people to die lies in listening to their stories. This book prepares us for the real task of becoming storytellers at the end of our lives. But it also teaches the art of compassionate listening.
In a way, Facing Death, Embracing Life resembles an exercise book or a journal. Kuhl invites the reader to participate in writing the book. In other words: The book is interactive media. Empty lines stare back at the reader. These are the places where daring to respond to the questions asked by Kuhl will make having the book particularly and uniquely one's own. While reading the book, I was actively engaging in a reflective writing process.
The chapters deal with some pretty heavy philosophical matters. But it's done in a way that brings those big human questions into sharp relief. We do become philosophers as we reflect on death, and we may find that such reflection becomes easier if we begin it a little earlier in our lives. Chapters entitled "Time and Anxiety" and "Truth" could be heavy reading, but Kuhl's approach is friendly. That's because he stays with the practical concerns of real people, using many scenarios and personal stories drawn from his own practice in palliative care. People facing death need to express their shame, guilt, regrets, and failures. In doing so, with compassionate listeners aiding them, they can find the peace and healing that they so ardently desire. I found these personal accounts deeply moving and convincing. To hear real people talk about their own deaths, about their need for others, and about their need for conversation about dying, is to listen in on testimonials about lives suddenly infused with new meaning.
Kuhl has a wonderful way of squarely facing that question of all questions: How do we find meaning in death and suffering? He talks about the distinction between being cured and being healed. Wholeness, forgiveness, reconciliation, truth, and belonging --these are the ways to healing. The end of life can be a time of either beginning or richly deepening our journey in faith. Although people of particular faith traditions will want to bring their own faith language and symbol system to the dialogue, Kuhl does an admirable job of exploring the spirituality of the end of our lives.
Those who are dying need to tell their stories, and we need to hear those stories. This book can help to prepare us in becoming more compassionate listeners for those who are dying. Beyond that, it can engage us in thoughtful reflection on our own lives as they really are, including the reality of natural death. To live and die can be a conscious and intentional exploration of meaning and identity, a life-giving response to a deep desire for healing and wholeness. The gentle, honest guidance of this expert questioner invites us to take a step past our normal fear of death and into conscious and intelligent reflection of our own truth. In his words, "To die outside one's own truth is to die wounded."
Kathy Perry is a Master of Divinity student at Regis College in Toronto. She is married with two children. Her review "Faithfulness To the Reign of God" appeared in the September 2006 issue of The Social Edge.
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